Today was one of those days where I actually went out and enjoyed myself. I came to realize that I no longer will revolve my life around one person. I will no longer hold back from creating memories and enjoying life to the fullest. I am the most sensitive person you’ll ever meet, and I will rarely complain to you, or tell you that I dislike what you did or if you upset me. Any little thing can make me have an emotional breakdown, but I will never let you know that it affects me. I have too much pride. Lately, I have been keeping all emotions to myself regarding a certain person, something that has been eating me inside. I’ve been scared to let that person know how I truly feel for personal reasons. I guess you can say that I’ve been through so much, that sometimes I’m scared of going through the same thing again, so I hold back. Sometimes I get this notion that something is going on that I don’t know about. I’m the most loving and caring person that I tend to neglect my own happiness, and focus on making others happy. I give my all, and in return I don’t even get half of what I give. I’m not even referring to materialistic things; I’m talking on an emotional level. On the other hand, for years I have held grudges against certain individuals in my life, carrying this baggage that has been weighing me down. But I have finally let that go, my next step is to get in contact with those individuals and verbally let them know how I felt all this time. I need to close those chapters in my life, although I had stopped letting them affect me, in the back of my mind they were still resurfacing once in a while.

This weekend was truly a unique experience that revived my spirituality. I had a one on one heartfelt conversation with God. Something triggered my breakdown and I can honestly say that I needed that. As I sat down by the pond in the cold, I felt this serenity. This sudden warmth rushed through my body and I felt a sense of relief after I poured out my heart crying to him. In a splurge of a moment, everything seemed to stop, and all was quiet. At the same time, it opened my eyes, and answered my doubts and insecurities that I had for a couple of months. Maybe this is what I needed; this was the answer to my prayer. A couple of months ago, when I started to doubt about that, I had previously asked God to guide me, open my eyes. I had been patiently waiting for that sign, but it was not time for me yet. But deep down, I didn’t really want him to answer my prayer, although I had asked him for it. It’s one of those situations, where you don’t really want God to take [that] away from you. I believe that God wanted me to be there so that I could reconnect with him and at the same time show me that there is still hope. The pain won’t always be there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is God. During this retreat my eyes saw something that saddened me, and made me shed a tear, but like I previously mentioned, it was the sign that I had been waiting from God to answer my request. Even if it was something that I did not want to feel or see, I needed it. It’s one of those feelings that you don’t want to go through again. The power of prayer is amazing, and I can truly say that God never leaves you abandoned, no matter what the situation is. I was afraid of asking God to show me; to let me know if [that] was right for me. I know God has a plan for me in store, but at least my doubts, insecurities, and questions have been answered. Although it saddens me to realize that, I know God can take away the pain. I’ve been through it before, I’ve asked him for the same thing previously, but the difference is that I didn’t wait that long like before. All I can do now is leave it in God’s hands, and just let him lead the way.

(Source: illusion.scene360.com)